I consider myself quite an ambitious person, especially professionally. For me work needs to be more than just a 9 to 5 job, needs to be a place where I have a purpose, a place that fulfills me, where I can grow, create, innovate and meet like-minded people. I have had the opportunity to work with many different people and types of personalities throughout the years.

Never ceases to amaze me how the young ambitious ones are (almost) always so quick to turn their back on you and step right over your “barely cold body” to get where they have to. All of a sudden, the “we” you’ve cultivated throughout the years comes out as “I” and “my”. It can be heartbreaking, especially if you’ve invested time, resources and poured your heart into this person. It’s a cold reminder that just because you expect people to show gratitude and humility, doesn’t mean that they will.

Moments like these, where people act in a way that kind of shakes you to your core, are when I honestly start to wonder if perhaps, I am not made to work for someone else’s dreams. Perhaps I am not made to lead others, because I feel that almost everyone I have lead has somehow turned against me. I think I’m too honest with people, too casual yet too cold, I don’t put up barriers, I don’t keep up even a bit of a wall in-between and I show my most vulnerable sides as well. I also don’t really enjoy the company of others that much. I find it draining to be in a room with a lot of people. So few have ever anything truly interesting to say. I also don’t like to keep up with office politics and play games of chess about who’s in power. I know where I stand, I know what I am capable of and I lead by example.

While this somehow has turned into a weird rant about how great and awful I am at the same time, the point is … what is my point actually? My point I am almost 35 years old and I am realizing that maybe the career path I have chosen is not bringing me joy anymore and I am panicked as hell. I’ve always had a goal, a purpose and end-game in sight. This is not someone I recognize when I look in the mirror and it’s scary. I think I’m having an epiphany as I am writing this.